Twisted Horoscopes

AQUARIUS (20 Jan - 18 Feb). You are humanistic and progressive. You lie a great deal. You are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. Aquarians are alcoholics.

PISCES (19 Feb - 20 Mar). You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or MI5. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for your flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.

ARIES (21 Mar - 19 Apr). You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impudent and scornful of advise. You are not very nice. Aries people are child molesters.

TAURUS (20 Apr - 20 May). You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed. Taurus people have B.O., fart a lot and have to masturbate for pleasure.

GEMINI (21 May - 21 Jun). You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual, however, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Gemini's are known for committing incest.

CANCER (22 Jun - 22 Jul). You are sympathetic and understand other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off, which is why you will never make anything of yourself. Most dole recipients are Cancer people.

LEO (23 Jul - 22 Aug). You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves and have bad breath.

VIRGO (23 Aug - 22 Sep). You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and sometimes fall asleep while making love. All Virgo's are into bestiality but make good bus drivers.

LIBRA (23 Sep - 23 Oct). You are the artistic type and have a hard time dealing with reality. If you are a man you are more than likely queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra's have venereal disease.

SCORPIO (24 Oct - 21 Nov). You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. Most Scorpio's are the scum of the earth and should be stomped on with hiking boots.

SAGITTARIUS (22 Nov - 21 Dec). You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drug addicts. People laugh at you a great deal.

CAPRICORN (22 Dec - 19 Jan). You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Capricorn's should avoid standing still too long as a dog might think you are a tree and piss on you. All male Capricorn's have small penis's and female Capricorn's are flat chested.